Another un-perfect week

Another un-perfect week.

I say that, because since I started this “lifestyle change,” I have not had one week where I do exactly what I say I’m going to.

According to my plan, I’m supposed to eat 1250 calories every weekday and 2000 on Friday and Saturday.

Has that happened? No. Has that even close to happened? Kind of. Maybe. Almost.

When I pictured myself losing weight, I pictured it being consistent and structured — Biggest Loser style. But truth is, this isn’t a secluded ranch. This isn’t time off from the regular world to lose weight. This is real life. And life comes with a multitude of distractions and worries and things that can throw you off course.

The most important thing I can do is not give up. I may not have a perfect week, but I’m doing so much better than I was 8 weeks ago. I’m improving. I’m taking steps towards a better me.

I stopped myself from binging on more than one occasion this week. I got myself to the gym. I did things that 2 months ago, I never would have done. I wasn’t perfect. But I was better.

I weighed in this morning. I didn’t lose much, but I lost my Thanksgiving gain from last week – so that’s something.

One of these weeks will be a perfect week. But until then, I’ll just keep logging. Just keep exercising. Just keep going.

Nothin gonna get me down

I have not been feeling my best over the past few days. I’ve been in a bad mood. After work today, the remote wasn’t working and I got so frustrated that I started screaming at the TV.

It was time for a run.

I wasn’t feeling that well, but I went for it anyway. And I went HARD. I ran…2.5 miles.

TWO AND A HALF MILES. Without stopping.
I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever done that.

I was shocked. I was ecstatic. I was so proud of myself!

And then, after the joy truly set in…I proceeded to get violently sick. In the gym bathroom.

2.5 miles!
Take that, bad mood.

If I didn’t binge.

I’ve been dreading writing another post. I began Thanksgiving with such willpower and hope…and then things changed. And I can pinpoint the exact catalyst for that change: leftovers.

Most people screw up their diets over Thanksgiving. They give in a little, and enjoy a piece of pie with their loved ones. When people say “don’t worry so much over the holidays,” that’s good advice. That is, if you can handle it.

But I don’t function that way.

See, I didn’t enjoy a piece of pie with my family. I didn’t give in. In fact, I stayed under 1250 calories through the Thanksgiving meal. But then later, I ate a few pieces of pie alone in front of the TV.

I went out to dinner with my high school friends and passed up pasta for steamed chicken and veggies. But then I had about 800 calories worth of stuffing later that night. Again, alone.

For the past week, I’ve eaten almost 3000 calories on average EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And the vast majority of my extra calories were consumed late at night and alone.

Why do I do it? I’m not sure. It’s like the leftovers in the fridge are calling to me, and I make myself answer to them. When I’m binging, I don’t even really enjoy it for more than a couple seconds. I’m punishing myself and I know it.

What’s the reason for my self-sabotage? Part of me knows I’m scared. I have a lot of stress in my life, and maybe I’m comfortable being where I am and hating myself. What if I lose this weight and I’m not any happier? Maybe I don’t think I deserve to be happy.

No matter what the answer is, it’s bullshit. It’s complete and total bullshit. Which is why my blog is so appropriately named byebyebullshit. Because I need to let this go. I can’t live like this anymore.

When I think back on my life for the past few years, I realize I’ve gained all this weight not because I’m eating out and drinking wine with my friends like a normal young adult. Sure, that’s a part of it. But the real point at which I started gaining a bunch of weight was when I started binging. That’s the reason I’m fat. If I didn’t binge, I wouldn’t be fat.

When I try to diet, I sacrifice time with my friends to make sure I can stay within my calorie limit – and then I binge alone. So, to summarize, I sacrifice fun with the people I love, and then I stuff my face anyway. It’s bullshit.

Enough. I weighed myself this morning, and I gained 0.4 pounds this week. Which honestly, I don’t know how I’m not up at least 3 pounds. But I’m not complaining.

I’m glad I weighed myself. It reminds me that even though this week was a total and complete disaster, I’m not starting over. I’ve still lost 6.7 pounds. And next week I’ll lose more. There’s no reason for me to backslide. I still have hope.

This is not a linear process.

But I have not had a binge-free week since I started this blog.
I repeat, I have not had a binge-free week when I started this blog.

This week will be a binge-free week. Mark my words.
If I can do that, that’s more of an accomplishment than any number the scale spits out.

It will mean I’m one step closer to actually giving a shit about myself.

Stay tuned.

3000 miles away…

I started this blog with the intention of feeling better by the time I traveled to my home town for Thanksgiving (as an initial goal). I certainly don’t weigh as little as I hoped:

I weighed in at 174.6 this morning. Which means I’ve lost 7.1 pounds in 37 days…approximately 1.3 pounds per week. So I definitely haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by now.

But I certainly feel better. If my goal was to have more confidence by Thanksgiving, that goal was reached. And I have something else: I have hope.

This is the longest I’ve ever stuck to a “diet” in a very long time. It’s the first time I’ve really messed up and not completely thrown in the towel. I’m looking at things an entirely different way this time around, and it feels good. Just because I have a bad day, or even a bad few days, it doesn’t mean it’s over.

This holiday week certainly has the potential to have quite a few bad days.

Today I was met with my first holiday challenge: the airport. Aka fast food heaven.

I like fast food. A lot. And I like eating it at the airport while waiting for my flight to take off because, let’s face it: it’s a fun and delicious way to kill time.

So (despite knowing it’s not the healthiest but allowing myself to have it anyway) I planned my day around fast food. I planned my eating so I was allotted enough calories for a large lunch. And I planned well! I was able to eat a chicken sandwich and fries…and still come in at under 1250 calories for the day. Not too shabby.

I know the week is only going to get tougher. With Thanksgiving on Thursday, there will be endless treats and meals (and beers) that I know I’ll want to stuff my face with. It will be hard. But I have to remember:

And I’m willing to struggle for this.

Learning what I’m capable of

Every time I go to the gym, I do 45 minutes of cardio. I go on the treadmill for 15 minutes, the elliptical for 15 minutes, and the cross trainer for 15 minutes.

When I’m on the treadmill, I generally walk the first quarter mile at 3.5 mph, and then I jog one full mile at 5.5 mph. These 15 minutes usually leave me panting, red, and sweating buckets (I’m out of shape, deal with it). But I want to become a runner, and so I keep trying.

Today I walked a few miles around my neighborhood before heading to the gym. I got on the treadmill, walked my usual quarter mile, and then I began to jog. After jogging a mile, I realized I wasn’t as tired as I normally am.

I went to hit stop on the treadmill, and then I thought – if I don’t need to stop, why am I stopping?

And so I kept jogging for another quarter mile, at which point I gave in and switched to the cross trainer. After 15 minutes on the cross trainer, I went to get on the elliptical.

But then I felt a sense of determination come over me – I knew I wasn’t done with that treadmill. I wasn’t done jogging.

And so I got back on. And jogged another full mile (!!!).

When I was done, I was as red as a strawberry, and I looked like I had just jumped in a swimming pool.

Outwardly, it was not pretty.

But inwardly, I was beyond proud.
I was bent over, breathing heavily, and unable to speak – but I was ecstatic!

At the end of the day, it’s not about the 2.25 miles (in addition to the 2.75 miles I walked today, btw). It’s about the fact that I can do so much more than I think I can – I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.

It’s like they say: “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

So push yourself. Because more than half the time, the “I can’t do it” is mental. We are capable of so much! We just have to try.

The great (food) escape

Food. is. everywhere. And when you work in a social office environment, free food is everywhere.

As a relatively poor twenty-something, I find it incredibly hard to turn down anything that’s free. Pencils, dryer sheets, random furniture. It doesn’t cost a thing? Sure, I’ll take it all. And delicious dessert? Forget about it.

Today a few people at work went out for lunch, and the waiters brought over complimentary freshly baked ice cream sandwiches.

You heard me.

Cinnamon ice cream. Sandwiched in-between two homemade oatmeal cookies.

It took absolutely everything I had in me not to take a bite. Because let’s be real – once I try a little, I’m going to eat the whole thing. I know this from experience.

When I got back to work, there was a giant bake sale. I’m talking pumpkin bread, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, bars, cake…virtually every delicious thing you could think of. Take a moment and salivate over what I was up against:

Well, you get the picture. (These aren’t actual photos from the bake sale, by the way – I just wanted you to get a sense of the spread. Everything really did look this delicious, I swear.) I think I deserve a medal for walking past this.

And then, if that wasn’t enough, around 5:00 we sang happy birthday to my co-worker. In front of a gourmet, bakery-made funfetti cake. It looked beyond beautiful. Then someone offered me a slice, waving it slowly under my nose.

I had to walk away and get some water. As I walked, I began to negotiate with myself. “A little bit of dairy won’t really hurt you.” And, “It’s someone’s birthday. You can eat cake. Everyone else is.” And finally, “You just won’t eat dinner later. You can do that.” (I can’t.)

I got a big cup of ice water and chewed on the ice. And honestly, it helped. Once the moment passed, and people were done eating, I felt like I could breathe again.

Later today, I thought about how I’ll probably never regret not eating cake. It’s not something you look back on and think, “Damn, I should have definitely eaten that.” No. Dessert is just something that leaves you feeling powerless in the moment. But once the moment passes, you’re always going to feel good about your decision.

So all in all, I’m proud of my choices today. At least I got to smell dessert, right?

Side note, I lost 0.6 pounds last week.

I weighed in yesterday, and honestly was surprised I didn’t gain weight. Last week wasn’t great – I ate an average of 2100 calories per day (yikes) and only worked out twice. So I’m taking that 0.6 pounds and running, thank you very much.

This week will be better. It already is. I’m going to weigh in Tuesday before I fly home for Thanksgiving, so it will only be a 6-day week. But I have a feeling it will be a good one. :)

Kate out.

Seriously yummy food swaps

I love (read: despise) the sections in magazines that tell you to “try this healthy option instead of this unhealthy option to save yourself X amount of calories!” They always compare something delicious to something bland. Like, eat this fat-free yogurt with aspartame instead of this amazing chocolate peanut butter sundae from Dairy Queen, and you’ll get skinny!

I mean, obviously. I am aware that if I eat a plain veggie salad with oil and vinegar over a cheesy caesar salad with croutons, I’ll lose some weight. But they’re not the same! No matter how you slice it, the “unhealthy option” is always a million times better.

That being said, I have found some “swaps” that are just as (or almost as) satisfying!

I used to really enjoy getting a muffin from Starbucks or Panera in the morning with a cup of coffee.

It’s a comforting and delicious 350 calories. But let’s face facts: it’s a total piece of crap. It has 6 grams of protein, which actually isn’t bad, but it also has less than 1 gram of fiber. And it’s gone in about a minute.

And then there’s this breakfast:

One warm apple crumb Vita Top muffin with half a tablespoon smart balance, 1 tablespoon crunchy organic peanut butter, and 1 sliced banana (to dip in the peanut butter). 325 calories. 8 grams of protein. 12 grams of fiber. This breakfast takes like 5 times as long to eat as that Starbucks muffin, and keeps you full longer.

And seriously, not gonna lie to you – it’s AS or MORE delicious than that muffin!
SCORE ONE FOR ME!

I swear, it’s the small victories that keep me going.

I attempted another swap tonight, switching spaghetti and beef meatballs for spaghetti squash and turkey meatballs. While spaghetti squash is a great pasta alternative, I’ll admit, it tastes nothing like pasta. It’s crunchier and thinner…but it’s not terrible. And it’s worth the calories you save.

I used spaghetti squash from Trader Joe’s, and just as I was looking up how to cook it, I saw that the instructions were right on the label! God I love you TJs.

I used a cup and a half of spaghetti squash, 3 turkey meatballs from TJs, a half cup organic marinara sauce and a quarter cup of Daiya dairy-free cheddar shreds.

If I had made the same amount with real spaghetti, Ragu pasta sauce, beef meatballs, and Kraft sharp cheddar shreds, it would have been 730 calories. But my meal only added up to 340 calories!

So no, it doesn’t taste QUITE as good. But for less than HALF the calories, it’s totally and completely worth it. And if you can used reduced fat cheese instead of dairy-free like me, you can save even more cals. It’s worth trying, just saying.

Do you guys have good food swap suggestions? I’d love to hear them!

The happiest of hump days

Hello all.

Guess what?

I LOST TWO POUNDS THIS WEEK.

Not 0.2. Not 0.5. Not any form of any fraction of a pound. TWO.

HEEEYYLLLLL YES.

Two pounds may not be an epic loss, I realize this. But it means that I can do this thing. That my weight loss really isn’t linear. That this is a long learning process, not an exact science. And that if I have one bad week, it doesn’t mean I’m destined to have bad weeks for the rest of my life.

Of course, despite my excitement, there’s a little voice in the back of my head that’s saying: “Yeah, you lost 2 pounds, but you’re still almost 10 pounds heavier than you were a year ago.”

But you know what I say to that voice right now?

I have to remember not to stumble over things that are behind me.
I’ve made mistakes in the past. But I’m working my ass off to make things right.

I may not be there yet, but I’m getting closer!

Autumn’s (kind of) in the air

I live in Southern California. I walked outside this morning wearing a knit sweater, and immediately turned back around to change. It was 80 degrees outside.

I’m originally from the east coast. I moved out here over the summer, and summer never really ended. It’s messing with my sense of time. When filling out my rent check this week, I dated it August 1st.

Nope, Kate. Not even close.

That being said, I went for a walk in my neighborhood this weekend and stumbled upon some fall!

These were the first colorful leaves I’ve seen since moving here. Maybe some chilly 60 degree weather will follow? Wishful thinking probably.

My meal choices are also reflecting my need for some colder weather. Last night I made the chicken pot pie soup from SkinnyTaste.com. Chicken pot pie is such a cozy favorite, usually loaded with calories and fat (and guilt).

This version is only 250 calories per serving and still acts as delicious comfort food! I walked to the grocery store to get the ingredients, and then cooked while watching Modern Family on my iPad. It was actually a nice and peaceful evening.

I used almost a cup more frozen veggies than it called for, so my version turned out pretty green. I’ll spare you the gross-looking photo of my finished product, but I swear it still tasted amazing! If you make it correctly, it ends up looking like this (photo linked to recipe):

And by the way, I’m back on track after my Saturday slip-up. I’m still at work right now, but I’m going to the gym right after, and I already have a healthy dinner planned tonight.

If any of you out there have piles of red and orange leaves in your front yard, please jump in them for me!

A little bit of emerson’s wisdom

I had a bad day yesterday.
Personal-life wise.

Which of course translated to a bad day food-wise.

And even though I exercised (a lot),
it was the first day over the past 3 weeks that I didn’t log my food.

And I ate a lot (a lot).

I don’t want to make excuses for my mistakes.
It is what it is.

But there’s a reason this is my favorite quote:

Today is a new day. Head’s up, looking forward.