Tag Archives: thanksgiving

If I didn’t binge.

I’ve been dreading writing another post. I began Thanksgiving with such willpower and hope…and then things changed. And I can pinpoint the exact catalyst for that change: leftovers.

Most people screw up their diets over Thanksgiving. They give in a little, and enjoy a piece of pie with their loved ones. When people say “don’t worry so much over the holidays,” that’s good advice. That is, if you can handle it.

But I don’t function that way.

See, I didn’t enjoy a piece of pie with my family. I didn’t give in. In fact, I stayed under 1250 calories through the Thanksgiving meal. But then later, I ate a few pieces of pie alone in front of the TV.

I went out to dinner with my high school friends and passed up pasta for steamed chicken and veggies. But then I had about 800 calories worth of stuffing later that night. Again, alone.

For the past week, I’ve eaten almost 3000 calories on average EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And the vast majority of my extra calories were consumed late at night and alone.

Why do I do it? I’m not sure. It’s like the leftovers in the fridge are calling to me, and I make myself answer to them. When I’m binging, I don’t even really enjoy it for more than a couple seconds. I’m punishing myself and I know it.

What’s the reason for my self-sabotage? Part of me knows I’m scared. I have a lot of stress in my life, and maybe I’m comfortable being where I am and hating myself. What if I lose this weight and I’m not any happier? Maybe I don’t think I deserve to be happy.

No matter what the answer is, it’s bullshit. It’s complete and total bullshit. Which is why my blog is so appropriately named byebyebullshit. Because I need to let this go. I can’t live like this anymore.

When I think back on my life for the past few years, I realize I’ve gained all this weight not because I’m eating out and drinking wine with my friends like a normal young adult. Sure, that’s a part of it. But the real point at which I started gaining a bunch of weight was when I started binging. That’s the reason I’m fat. If I didn’t binge, I wouldn’t be fat.

When I try to diet, I sacrifice time with my friends to make sure I can stay within my calorie limit – and then I binge alone. So, to summarize, I sacrifice fun with the people I love, and then I stuff my face anyway. It’s bullshit.

Enough. I weighed myself this morning, and I gained 0.4 pounds this week. Which honestly, I don’t know how I’m not up at least 3 pounds. But I’m not complaining.

I’m glad I weighed myself. It reminds me that even though this week was a total and complete disaster, I’m not starting over. I’ve still lost 6.7 pounds. And next week I’ll lose more. There’s no reason for me to backslide. I still have hope.

This is not a linear process.

But I have not had a binge-free week since I started this blog.
I repeat, I have not had a binge-free week when I started this blog.

This week will be a binge-free week. Mark my words.
If I can do that, that’s more of an accomplishment than any number the scale spits out.

It will mean I’m one step closer to actually giving a shit about myself.

Stay tuned.

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3000 miles away…

I started this blog with the intention of feeling better by the time I traveled to my home town for Thanksgiving (as an initial goal). I certainly don’t weigh as little as I hoped:

I weighed in at 174.6 this morning. Which means I’ve lost 7.1 pounds in 37 days…approximately 1.3 pounds per week. So I definitely haven’t lost as much weight as I wanted to by now.

But I certainly feel better. If my goal was to have more confidence by Thanksgiving, that goal was reached. And I have something else: I have hope.

This is the longest I’ve ever stuck to a “diet” in a very long time. It’s the first time I’ve really messed up and not completely thrown in the towel. I’m looking at things an entirely different way this time around, and it feels good. Just because I have a bad day, or even a bad few days, it doesn’t mean it’s over.

This holiday week certainly has the potential to have quite a few bad days.

Today I was met with my first holiday challenge: the airport. Aka fast food heaven.

I like fast food. A lot. And I like eating it at the airport while waiting for my flight to take off because, let’s face it: it’s a fun and delicious way to kill time.

So (despite knowing it’s not the healthiest but allowing myself to have it anyway) I planned my day around fast food. I planned my eating so I was allotted enough calories for a large lunch. And I planned well! I was able to eat a chicken sandwich and fries…and still come in at under 1250 calories for the day. Not too shabby.

I know the week is only going to get tougher. With Thanksgiving on Thursday, there will be endless treats and meals (and beers) that I know I’ll want to stuff my face with. It will be hard. But I have to remember:

And I’m willing to struggle for this.

Six weeks until Thanksgiving

It is 6 weeks until Thanksgiving.

Well, really, it’s 5 and a half weeks until Thanksgiving. But I’m going to go with 6 because it gives me more time to lose weight before I have to go home and face a jillion people I grew up with. And I’d like to feel a little less large by then.

Annoyingly enough, if my goal is to lose weight, it seems that I actually have to weigh myself. Which is something I really, REALLY don’t want to do right now. I know it’s not going to be pretty. It wasn’t pretty when I actually fit into my jeans, and now that I’ve ripped them (see the “about section”), the number on the scale is most likely going to be horrific.

BUT tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it so one day I won’t dread doing it so much.

So this is how this is going to go. (For now.)

Once a week I’m going to weigh myself in the morning when I get up. I’m going to count calories and try to stay under 1400. But more importantly, I’m going to eat healthy food in small portions. And I’m not going to go crazy if eat more than that…as long as I’m not binging. Due to a recent allergy discovery, I’m going to avoid dairy. And I’m going to get the fuck up before work and get myself to the gym. Ya herd?

And you, Internet people, are going to hold me accountable. Just by existing.

Sound good? We shall see…